So, it has been a while. Sorry. I wanted to catch you up on s few things. I have been on more pain than usual and not felt much like doing anything. Much less sitting up and writing, even on a laptop. So please, bare with me while I fill you in on part now...part later. Important stuff first.
I have also been to MANY surgeons in Arkansas, none of which will take me due to the fact I have had many (3) spinal operations and by different people (not sure why THAT matters but it does) and the risk of paralysis is great. My problem lies between two previous fusions and their not so happy Harrington Rods. I worry there is nothing there because I can hear the grinding now, as can others around me. It hurts so badly I just can't explain. The closest I can come is take a cheese grater and drag it across the bone of your shin really hard. Over and over. Thats close anyway.
On Wednesday 2/5 I get a few painful but required tests. They will knock me out a bit but still I am NOT looking forward to it. I m getting a Milagram a CT with contrast and a Diskagram. Then "Cool, Cocky Kansas" will see me and tell me my fate. If he wont do it I can go to Ohio or Texas. This is just closer so it would be easier. I am scared but excited. I know doing this could end my days walking but I can't walk much as it is...so why not. At least it wont hurt anymore and that is the hardest part. The part that is killing my soul. I hate being this way and it needs to end one way or another.
Most people don't get pain so bad death seems like a better option. Though (I wont lie) I think about it a lot. I could never do it because it is the most selfish act anyone can accomplish. The cruelty and the damage it does to the ones left behind is something they could never get over. I know it is the "easy" way out and an end to all the pain but it is also an end to the good and believe it or not even the way I feel I have good moments. Moments I hold onto with both hands. Moments I look back on when everything else is so filled with pain my eyes blur from the tears. It is my family, blood and chosen that keep me going when I have nothing left. Even if you think there is no one who can care or feel it or even understand I am here to tell you I DO. I am here. If you ever need anyone to talk to. Let me know. as you can see I don't sleep much. Sadly. Hang in there with me ok? If I can't bail...neither can you!
Somewhere, there is a doctor who is brave enough to tackle me. I am brave enough to try...where are you? I make one hell of a study case.
Chel
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