My name is Michelle.
I am struggling with one of the worst things on earth. Back pain, it is not something that you can
just say is annoying. It is massive and
has almost destroyed my life. Well, it
actually has to some point. I am doing
this because, I know there have to be others who are struggling with this very
same thing. People think it is a cop out
or perhaps just a little pain but folks, your spine controls everything and it
is not something to mess with.
What I hear most is “How did this happen” and “what a pity
you are so young” became almost, an everyday occurrence. I was no longer
Michelle. I was the girl with the
horrible back problems. People would
watch me as I walked down the limestone hill filled streets of Eureka and
wonder what was wrong with me. Those who
live in our small town know the story; because one of the drawbacks to small
town life is everyone knows everything (or thinks they do).
It began when I was little I suppose. I had an awkward and remarkable birth so I am
told. I was a rare child and that theme
has followed me all of my days. The word
rare
for me is almost a curse. Some of the
things that have happened in my life were written up to that very word. The strange things or events were always
wrapped tightly with a pretty bow of rare. My birth was viewed by many doctors and nurses
in an oval observation room. I was full
breach – meaning my back was coming out and not my front. I imagine it was quite a shock and very
painful for my mother (sorry mama). With
the world (seemingly) watching on I was born.
As I grew, I had horrible leg pains my father called
“growing pains” he would faithfully rub my legs with Ben-Gay almost
nightly. My mother took me to the doctor
concerned about my coordination and the fact I ran into everything. Graceful, I was not. She enrolled me in dance lesson to try to
combat my ever so dysfunctional ability, or lack of ability to walk correctly. I was later tested for Scoliosis which they
said I had two minor curves. My father
said “they will straighten out” and that was the end of that.
More years past and I began my obsession with horses. I wanted to ride more than anything, I rode the propane tank for a year to prove I
would actually “stick with it”. My
father was doubtful to that but agreed to let me take lessons. I began with Marty Allen Wernle when I was 11
years old. He placed me on an old
reliable western rental horse from Brackenridge Stables in downtown San
Antonio. I had been riding no more than
a month when it happened. I heard the
sound of hoofs behind me in the ring. In
an instant I saw her pounding by, with all the power and grace of non-other
than a Saddlebred. I turned to look over
my right shoulder to see the most amazingly beautiful thing I had ever
seen. Julie, riding Sea Story. The pair was more than majestic. They moved as one, with her arms and head
held high, his hoofs chest level with each step and head raised high and curved
like only a Saddlebred can. It was as if
time had slowed enough for me to “know” this was what I wanted. She passed me, hoofs pounding in unison and I
turned my old cow horse into the rail and headed straight for the middle of the
ring. Marty looked puzzled. He said “is everything ok baby”? I pointed at Julie and Sea Story and said
“that, that whatever that I that is what I want to do”. He smiled and said “baby that is harder than
it looks are you sure about that, your daddy wanted you to learn Western.” I smiled “I don’t care, that is what I want,
teach me to be like that.” You see for
me, the ever clumsy awkwardly tall girl who never could be “good enough” wanted
that grace and beauty more than life itself.
The very next lesson I was on Harvey a gray Saddlebred/Trick horse. That is when my love really began and to this
day one of two things I am untouchable at.
This intense pain has taken away so many things. Right now, I am at risk for a disk blow any
moment. When the vertebra at L3 basically
explodes. I have no warning, no date to
worry about as it could be any time now.
Which limits what I can do because in part when it does explode it is a
nightmare. I am scared to death. Horrible pain and sometimes the loss of
feeling in extremities (that happened the first time and wheelchairs suck).
My life, if you can call it that is full of
so much pain I can’t even begin to tell you yet, I fight. You have to ya know? It is so hard some days and my “good days”
would send most to the ER screaming. I
have broken (now 3) teeth in the back from gritting through the pain. First of all I don’t like being operated on
(it scares me) and second it is very expensive and I am not a rich girl. I struggle with everyday things but once in a
while it is not as hard to do things without assistance though, the list grows
shorter each day. Every move and every
breath you feel it. People think “oh
yeah right, your back hurts” well let me tell you it makes me want to hit
things it is so bad. It is not a minor
thing – it is huge and is consuming me.
I am doing this to maybe explain and help others who are struggling with
this issue. I hope what you read here
helps you. It will be what I am going
through but also my family. You see chronic
pain of any kind not only takes from you but from your family as well. Also, this gives me something I can do
without help. I will work on it as I can
so please be patient. If you need me or
have a question I will post my email address shortly. So, sit back put your feet up and enjoy the
horror that is my life….just kidding (sorta). J
