This week has been busy already. The weeks before as well so I am sorry I am a bit behind. Travis, my son just started college at the University of Arkansas. Getting him ready, as well as myself has been a challenge. We did it and he is very happy. Happier than I have ever seen him and that makes me happy. However, I miss him like crazy. When you hurt every second of every day, little things seem to pile on you like heavy bricks. There you lie buried underneath it all wondering when will be the day the pain ends or the pain ends you. Either seem welcome and that is a bit of a worry. My reaction to my sons move made me think that this is something that should be written about so here goes.
Pain is a strange monster. It changes everything! Who you are, how you feel and what you will evolve to. I have been told at the height of my pain I am...mean. Most who know me, know I can be though I fight it constantly. When people see you, they feel sympathy simply because you hurt. They don't take into consideration the depth of your pain or your ability to deal with it. If you are irritable, most people don't think that the battle you are fighting so desperately actually has more than one part. Yes, it hurts. It is a hurt nothing can compare to and I have some glorious accidents. I am constantly told I need a helmet or a bubble wrap suit. I know what I am talking about when I talk about pain and what it can do to you and those around you. So, let me spell it out for those who don't know.
It happens so quickly. What I can compare it to is this. Think of a wonderful day at the ballpark. The sun is shining through the leaves on the trees and a comfortable breeze is blowing. It is a perfect 72 degrees and everyone is laughing and having a great time. You and your dearest friend, partner or child walk to the vending stand and get a perfectly chilled beer and a hotdog. You are walking back to your premium once in a lifetime seats that you won in a contest. Life is good! Then as you take your next step a World Series Hall of Fame slugger mistakes your lower back for a ball. WHACK! You drop to your knees and your world spins not to mention you dropped your perfectly chilled beer and dog in the dirt. In that moment, if someone asks you anything, do you think you will (after you get your breath back) be pleasant? No. Not if you are human anyway. This is what it is like for the person in pain. Any good moment is shattered and you are left reeling from the pain.
There is another part of this equation of pain, the person on the other end. The one caring for you. Think for one second about the reaction you send full force in their direction. All they wanted to know was how you liked the great seats. You proceed to take their head as payment for the intense pain you feel. You don't mean to but...you do. In that one quick moment you crush them as well as the amazing day you just ended. I know you hurt, I really do. Heck, I feel it too but if you let it out, you can't take it back. Once you learn this lesson you are seemingly faced with two options. You can let it out on whomever may be in your line of fire or you can hold it. If you hold it, you just get quiet and they wonder what they did to make you mad or it comes out later with the other 50 things you shoved down. Again, your caregiver pays. Those of us with chronic pain need to realize that our pain is not just our own. We share the love. This needs to end. For those caring for us please know we do not mean it and we don't know how to control it but we can learn together.
What I am trying is simple but seems to help sometimes. However, when you hurt and someone else is feeling sorry for themselves it is a deadly combo. They can't see you and you can't see them. You just end up in a bitter match of wills. No one wins. I will get some feedback on this but it helps me at least put off the problem a bit. When I am intense pain, I keep quiet. I try to avoid deep discussions with high emotional content. I try to keep a clam monotone voice. Tone seems to mean everything. You can say I love you with a mean tone (sarcastic almost) and totally feel the other person does not mean it. You can say the exact same thing with a loving tone and it is perfect. Same words, different tone. So, watch the tone like a hawk. I say "this is a bad time for me right now or I am really hurting now can this wait" and hope that it can. I also say "I am not mad at you but this is really bad right now." I try to let the people who love me know it is not them and I am struggling. I sometimes post it on Facebook because people will email me or try to chat and I just can't. I can't even form a complete thought. I grit my teeth and do my best to make it through.
The thing you have to remember is while yes, we get the crap end of the stick it is also a problem for those around us. Sadly, it puts more weight on us because we do not want to hurt or disappoint anyone yet, there are simply some things we can not do. It leads to a depression like no other and a deep feeling of worthlessness. We want to bring smiles and laughs but sometimes we can't. We may see your lack of attention as us failing in some way. For us, failure stings more than the average bear. We want to please I think if more people truly understood what pain can do things would be easier on us all. Hopefully this helps a little.
Have a great day and remember, be nice. You never know what someone else is dealing with or who we might punch next. :-)
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