Hello good and faithful Blog readers!
Today was amazing on one hand and super difficult on the other. My son was coming home for the weekend from college. I did my usual light pick up and washed his sheets and comfoter so he would be perfectly at home...at home.
As I have mentioned, things are more difficult for me and it takes me longer but I can get some things done on my own. Tay helped me by making his bed (it is very difficult to bend across since there is a wall there.) you can't walk around it. After all was set. I asked him what he would like for dinner. I wanted him to have whatever he wanted and to be happy to be home, so I started cooking. I use a chair most of the time. A rolly office type chair works great for me since I have a linoleum floor in the kitchen. Sometimes, I use a stool. You can still do things and not feel quiet so worthless, you just have to modify how you do it. I will tell you up front, even with all my aids to help I am hurting pretty bad right now. I am in my eternal spot on the couch, legs up 4 pillows and my trusty heating pad. I want to sleep but hurting changes everything so I wanted to write it all out now while I am feeling it...just for you! Feel special!
He wanted chicken, green beans and masted taters. I also made a patented "stuff" recipe Jeff once taught me (kidding on the patent part - but it should be) for desert. The process of dinner takes a long time when you have to do things in a handicap fashion. However, it all got done. I have to sit and lean over to cut all the yucky fat off the chicken and that really strains your lower back. My suggestion to those who can would be to have a moveable island that is the height you need while sitting. I don't have much counter space but even that is too high for me. Little things like making dinner are such a challenge. Most would not think so. I mean it is just dinner right? For those of us in this condition it is really hard. I do love to cook so it is one thing I fight to hold onto. However, when you are done, you are toast. I have a really hard time after I cook but keep it to myself as best I can. They see me walking funny or going to sit down with ice or heat but I don't think it really sinks in. Sure, they have all had back pain at one point or another. Only mine is a million times more intense and never leaves me. We all forget exactly how bad it was after it has been a while. I don't blame them. Not at all, but it is frustrating to not have the words to be able to get the point across. Or if they have never felt what you feel. Sometimes, after I am done I go take a blazing hot bath with Epson salts to help the muscles that strain to compensate for my back. Little things, tiny and minimal things hurt. Those small hurts get together and say "hey, let's party" reeking havoc on all that is left of you.
Let's face it, I am getting worse. I don't like the idea of more surgery but when you have tried everything....and I do mean everything. I have even gone to hypnotherapy. Ate, drank every herb known to man. Thought of the "white healing light." Even had my nerves microwaved to take the edge off of just one part of my problem...you name it. I will keep trying. Someone tells me something and I save for it and try it out. I want to get better!!! You get so worn down. Not only with failed attempts but the huge physician bills and your checking account permanently attached to the largest Hoover vac on the planet. I worry constantly, over my health, my family, my money (or lack of) it just fills you with such distress. I am tired.
Normally, I am happy and smiling, ready for whatever comes my way. These days I dread each day. When I do sleep...I want to stay that way. I am just being honest. You will not find fluff here folks. I am depressed and alone to spite those around me who love me. You get locked inside yourself. Something so simple as dinner can wipe you out. If I say anything, my family will take that chore on as well as the countless others and end up (even though they don't mean to) being bitter. No one wants that. Most of all me. I want to do things for myself, my way. As it stands, I have rules. I can't even go to the horses alone. I understand. I really do but wow. I just want my life back.
Me taking the time to write this, is at least one way I can maybe help someone else. I can maybe help the caregiver know the real truth. What the person you are caring for does not tell you because they don't want to scare you or make you feel bad when you ask too much of us. The way we feel is more than awful. My whole life has been a teaching experience for others. I am so not kidding. While I do my best to have a positive attitude, to smile, laugh and be the goofy gabber I am, it is so hard. So, why should this be any different? It is okay, I guess but a little break would be nice. If you are like me, I want you to see what your caregiver goes through as well. It affects so much. We have got to work together. To be honest, but in a loving way. It is so easy for feelings to get hurt or things to be misunderstood. This is all I know to do at this point.
This simply can not be for nothing.
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