Just another day

This week has been a good week.  It is Friday night and while most are out on the town having fun, I sit here writing to you.  I don't have many good weeks these days as I seem to get worse as the days go on.  I have had three spinal surgeries to date, awaiting yet another.  The first was in 2000.  I was 28 years old.  Far to young to go through what I did.  I was a single mother of two amazing little ones struggling to meet the demands of motherhood and life.  There never seemed to be enough hours for all I had to accomplish yet, I pressed on.  When I found out I would have surgery I was scared I would never find my way back to the only peaceful place I had known, the back of a horse.  I was told I would walk, but never ride.  This is me last August.

As you can see, I don't do "never" or "no" very well.  Some of the bulk you see is the back brace I wear almost constantly along with about 50 lbs. I would very much like to part with.  When you can not move...you can't do much.  I can't walk very far at all these days.  Being on the back of a horse has long been proven good therapy for those who are disabled.  The motion simulates the hips natural movement of walking for those who can not.  I had to get help to get up of course and I can't ride long but, I can ride.  The horse really does all the hard part. 

I have not been up since last August and it kills me but I need a better set up now (which I am working on).  Today was quiet.  I can do things, I just need lots of help and this week I am here with Travis (my son) who has to work in the evenings.  This means that anything big has to happen before he leaves.  I am usually never alone long.  I remember the days when I could be.  I remember wanting to reach something on a shelf or carrying laundry and I just did it.  Those days are gone...for now.  I still have hope one day I will be "fixed" for good.

People take for granted all the things their spine does for them.  Everything you do depends on those bones being linked together and functional.  Sometimes, even the smallest movement sends me over the edge.  I often get "locked" in place and can't move in or out of the pain I am in.  I have to get help.  Sometimes, it is so bad I can't even say anything.  I just make noise and hope someone will help me.  Everyone here knows the drill, sadly and come to my rescue like it is normal.  It is far from normal...or it should be.  When I am alone, I have to force myself onto the floor then crawl back up.  Sometimes, I don't make it up for minutes, hours even.  Those times I feel the most desperate.  I don't tell my family about those moments because I feel helpless enough.  No one is there to help me and I grab for whatever I can to pull me back.  Life has taken on a whole new meaning and I try to find happiness in the little things everyone takes for granted.  Things, I once overlooked.  Perhaps, it is that fight in me for a better life that has kept me alive this long.  Most days, since we are being honest, I want to give up.  I cry and wished with everything I had my life was normal again.  It's not and may never be again.